Retreat

A few weeks ago I signed myself up for a remote Women's Retreat through Emmaus Church in Lincoln, California. I was unsure about how an online retreat would work, but I love the church community from Emmaus and was excited to give it a try! To clarify, we are about a 9 hour drive from this church, but the pastor of Emmaus is Dustin's childhood youth pastor. He and his wife hold a special place in our hearts as well as many of the other members of their church. We listen to their sermons online each week. Since we have been quarantined the last few months, we have also been watching their live sermons on Sundays which makes us feel even more present with the community. 

In the days prior to the retreat, they sent me this little printed e-book in the mail. Friends, if you are seeking transformation in your prayer life or relationship with Jesus, please look this up and order one for yourself. I think this e-book was only $7.00! 

In the book there are 15 short chapters. So short that you could read through it in one sitting if you wanted to. But in isolation, each chapter offers SO much impact. 

I headed into the retreat completely blind as to how it would work, what we would study, and what my take-away(s) would be. Each of us was placed into a small group facilitated by one woman. We would meet as a whole group on Facebook Live to hear the leader of the retreat speak. Our communication was through the chat during that time. After each time the speaker would share, she would provide direction as to what we would do next, when our small group would meet through Zoom, and when we should head back to the Facebook Live meeting for our next session. 

What I wasn't expecting was that the whole topic of the retreat was "how to retreat." The Ready, Set Rest book was a practical explanation of the value of practicing prayer retreat as well as how to do it. Our speaker for the weekend was Melissa, a member of Emmaus who wasn't a seasoned motivational type speaker, but instead, one of us. A faithful sister in Christ trying her best to speak to a screen and focus on offering insight in the midst of interruptions from her two sons, technology issues, and distractions of neighbors walking by the window directly in front of her. It was so REAL. 

Melissa shared her heart with us and as someone that recently began implementing prayer retreating herself, shared some of the tips and things that have worked best in her experience. 

Chapter 1-8 of the book are all about how to plan for the experience of retreating. Where to go, what to pack, frequency of scheduling retreat time etc. 

But chapters 9 - 15 are what really have been transforming my prayer life over the last few weeks. 

Let me start there. 

Chapter 9. START WITH "WITH"

In this chapter Alicia explains how to practice being in the presence of God. In each step of the day, she explains, "a mindset is being established: I am not alone, God is not a silent spectator, and this is a protected space devoted to the nurturing of our relationship." 

This has changed my morning prayer time significantly. Some mornings I am so tired that I just can't jump right into my Bible or journaling. My mind feels foggy and I need to wait until my coffee kicks in. Mornings like this, I am most inclined to grab my phone or my laptop and rather than focusing on prayer, I aimlessly scroll through my blog feed, Twitter, or read through emails. 

After reflecting on chapter 9, my perspective has changed. Jesus is with me. The difference is whether I recognize that or not. 

Since the retreat, even on the foggiest mental state of mornings, I grab my cup of coffee and sit on the couch and just sit. I look out the window. I let my mind spin on whatever thoughts are lingering there. I create space for Jesus to be here WITH me. I don't scroll my phone because that would be socially offensive if there was someone sitting here waiting to commune with me. I would feel awful if there were physically a person sitting on the couch across from me waiting to chat and instead I had my face in my phone. So with this new perspective of Jesus being WITH me, my mornings are slower. I acknowledge that even though I am not ready to talk or even focus, I am there in His presence. 

Chapter 10. FOCUS ON WHO HE IS

In this chapter, Alicia explains that by nature she is a reflective soul. It would be an intuitive starting point for her to begin her retreat time with journaling. But she says she has found it "immeasurably healthier to begin thinking about who God is rather than about who she is." She encourages us to start our quiet time by "Declaring God's attributes." 

Admittedly that part felt foreign to me. Do I formally begin to just praise God for how great and majestic He is? While I recognize that, it felt out of character for me to offer God a formal statement of my gratitude for who He is. So instead, I pulled this book out of my pile. I had started reading it a year or so ago, but didn't finish it. I now read a chapter each morning and have already finished the book, and am re-reading it again. Jen Wilkin is so brilliant and I love her perspective on the attributes of God and why we are so far from being Infinite, Incomprehensible, Self, Existent, Self-Sufficient, Eternal, Immutable, Omnipresent, Omniscient, Omnipotent and Sovereign. 

Chapter 11. REPENTANCE AND REST

This chapter begins, "Focusing on God's character almost always guides me safely into repentance." 

She encourages women to "Joyfully embrace repentance."

Repentance was not something I was accustomed to in my daily prayer. If I am being completely transparent, I think I often have a far too lofty vision of myself. I think that surely my intentions are always good and pure and of course, I am always trying my best even if it's not perfect. But Alicia so right in her call to have us focus on who God is first. As soon as I finish reading a chapter of Jen's book, I am always humbled and can easily begin my prayer time in complete reverence of a God that is so far from who I am. 

Dr. Basilea writes, "It is almost incomprehensible how much new, divine life is born out of contrition and repentance." I am finding this to be very true. Focusing on repentance every day reminds me of my need for God, my reliance on Him for all I need is a healthy way to begin my day. 

Chapter 12. WAITING 

Chapter 13. LISTEN AND END WELL

I love these chapters. She says next, "We wait on God because He is worthy of waiting for-whether or not He ever speaks." 

We wait for God to intercede in us about what we should talk about. We don't set off with a check list of prayers (which is my usual delivery method of prayer in the past). We wait. We listen. We discipline our mind to come back to Him even when it wanders off for the tenth time in a single minute. 

She says, "Think of spiritual waiting like a parent lovingly soaking up every feature of their baby's face and fingers and toes. They gaze at their child not because they are hoping that the babe will say something or do something. They gaze because that is what love does." 

So, I am learning to wait. To sit still. To pause and wait upon what God has for me to hear.

When I read these chapters and attempted to practice this during the weekend of the retreat I heard God speak to me. When I say that, I do not mean audibly. Instead a word came to my mind so vividly that I felt so strongly like it was a word that I clearly was receiving from Him. The word was REMAIN. I wrote it down in my journal. Remain. This led me to reading through John 15. 

If I had jumped straight from repentance, to my prayer check list, I would have missed waiting on God to clear my mind so that I could receive this word, that now has spoken volumes into my purpose. 

Chapter 14. BUILDING MUSCLE

Chapter 14 is a call to continue to practice of prayer retreating. It's a practical explanation of how to plan for the next one. 

Chapter 15. GOD'S DELIGHT

This chapter was the perfect closing. Alicia says, "In short, I believe that His delight is a miraculous constant in our lives and that once embraced, God's delight transforms our perspectives." 

This chapter was interesting to me. So often I falsely make God's delight in me dependent upon my actions. In fact, earlier in the chapter it asks you to pause and think about when we can feel that God is delighting in us. My response was that I know he delights in me when I am faced with a decision and I make the one that is obedient to Him. Like, I know He's most happy with me when I am acting out of His will or purpose for me. 

Interestingly enough, as the chapter goes on, it says, "Parenting is one of the relationships I can draw upon to begin to understand such love. My delight in my children does not rise and fall based upon their obedience... my delight is connecting to their existence and our relationship, not to their behavior." 

And there was my answer. God does not delight in me when I am good. He does not delight in me most when I am obedient. He delights in me when I am WITH him, when I seek relationship. He delights in me simply because I am His child. 

And this is where it all came together for me. There was no "gimmicky"take-away of this retreat, it wasn't about accomplishing anything or having a breakthrough, it wasn't God telling me how to serve Him or what to do with all that He has given to me... I left with the word that He gave me. REMAIN. 

John 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a (wo)man remains in me and I in (her), (she) will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.

That's it, sisters. I don't have to accomplish anything to deserve His delight. I simply have to REMAIN in Him. 

When I learned about the topic of the retreat my initial thought was, well, I won't actually develop a habit of retreating... but this will be good at least for this weekend to draw near to Him again. 

In the midst of the retreat my mindset had changed and I wrote this in my journal: 

Right now, Lord, I am thinking of retreating. If I expect to find you in the midst of an average day, my time with you will be interrupted by requests for a blankie, a refill of milk, a desire to know what's for breakfast, a need for a mediator about who gets to choose the morning cartoon. 

It's hard to find you in these distractions, and my own distractions, too. 

An email for a can't miss sale, an early start to chores, a quick response to a lingering email. 

When I am forcing prayer into these moments, I am functioning as a canal, asking God to fill me just enough to share that peace, insight, or sense of acceptance with others until I am quickly depleted once again. 

Retreating is different. It is rest. It is divine peace. It is commune. It is being still and training my mind to accomplish nothing more than to be with you. 

To listen and actually hear what you want to speak to my heart. Acknowledging who I am in this very moment. Remembering that I am infinitely loved both now and in every moment that ever was and ever will be. The act of filling my soul so generously that I am now a reservoir offering love to others out of the abundance and overflow I have received myself. 

Could I retreat once a month? 

How would retreating once a month change the trajectory of my actions, my marriage, my parenting? 

I've been wanting to record all of this so that I don't forget. A month later and I have admittedly felt some of these things start to drift already. This is why being intentional about planning these retreats consistently becomes important. Training myself to REMAIN in Him. 

Amen.

Restoration

Hey friends! Welcome to the new decade. Are you embracing the start of the new year? 

One of the best perks about being a teacher and especially being married to one, is our much anticipated breaks. We are so lucky to have three weeks off during the holidays. As I write this we are closing in on this vacation time and I am just finally feeling like I've got my bearings again. So 2020, hey there. I am ready to welcome you with open arms. 

Before I recap our holidays, I thought I'd check in. Just me in this space (in which I have been journaling for over 11 years now... isn't that crazy? In fact, I just took a comical trip down memory lane to see what I was blogging about exactly a decade ago). Here we go...

Spiritual Wellness. 

I had been hiding a bit in recent weeks/months. I mean, not entirely. We're still attending church, of course. And each week I make it a point to listen to the sermons from my favorite pastor ever from Emmaus Church in the Sacramento area. So in that sense, I was still in it. But my heart was absent. I knowingly made more of a margin in my life for Christmas shopping, event attending, hosting planning, heck, even just scrolling mindlessly on my phone etc. than for intentionally growing in my faith. In fact, I was driving around last week running some errands and I thought, when was the last time I really talked to God?... more than a short, in the moment prayer. And my answer was... Hmmmm, I can't even remember. 

The new year came and went and I didn't experience that transformative desire for renewal. 

But it did come. It came at the start of this week. It came with a simple prayer: Lord, would you give me a desire to draw near to you again? And he answered as he always does, by stirring in me a deep motivation to come to him. 

It started here. In an old text chain with a dear friend and spiritual mentor of mine, I found this link that she had sent to me.  A 30 minute talk by Jen Wilkin entitled Train a Child in the Way He Should Speak. I listened to it while cooking dinner and definitely had a few "Amen!" moments. 

I have actually listened to this same talk about four times now and it wasn't until I sat down to listen to it again this morning with my journal and pen in hand that I realized how truly profound Jen's thoughts are on this topic. It reminded me of the huge responsibility that Dustin and I carry in raising the children that God has entrusted us with. Jen offers such practical and simple ideas from her experience raising her own four children. I just loved it and can't recommend it enough. 

And then, I listened to this sermon: "Jesus Withdrew to Draw Near" This new series will follow 7 practices of Jesus' life as mentioned in the gospels. The sermon discusses how Jesus himself never tells his followers to withdraw. It's not something that he commands or even explains. But several times within each book of the gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, we see Jesus consistently pulling away from the crowds, even away from his apostles to be alone. This is when and where he prays, seeking restoration after a big event, or seeking guidance for what stands before him. This is where he found relationship with God his Father. 

The sermon and this entire series challenges its listeners to simply do what Jesus did. So this also became the added reminder that in order to feel connected to God, I have to withdraw. Let me tell you, that's not an easy task for a full time working mom of three young kiddos. But every excuse aside, I will never feel restored or directed unless I make the time to connect with the true lover of my soul. Amen? 

Today, I went for a jog with my pup. I've been trying to also get back into moving my body again (a whole other post). As I was running, I attempted for the first time to listen to a sermon. About 10 minutes into the run, I pushed something on my phone and had to start the sermon all over again. Irritated, I just went back to my usual listen of late: Pandora -Florida Georgia Line station. For the last few weeks this has been my usual listen on my jogs and I have heard the same songs over and over again. And then today as I was running.... THIS a random worship song hidden amongst the FGL line up. I have never heard any worship music on this station before. And not just any song, but one that is so near and dear to my heart. It felt like God perfectly planted it in that moment. I even paused to take a picture of the moment I experienced it because it felt so profound.  

And speaking of worship music, have you heard this song yet? I heard it at church two weeks ago for the first time and the words immediately sent goosebumps up and down my arms. It is so beautiful! Like truly, so deeply moving. You've got to listen for yourself. And if you don't know the context for another in the fire, google "Daniel chapter 3." Specifically 3:25, "He said, 'Look! I see FOUR men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods." Goosebumps, every. single. time. 

So I didn't intend for this to be an entire post about my spiritual ramblings of late. But I guess this is a perfect place for me to start my year. A good reminder that no resolution striving to change the way I eat, or set of workouts that could increase my physical health, or any purchase that I could possibly make that would ever make me feel as restored as sitting at the feet of my heavenly Father. 

Wishing you the same this year. Maybe it's just the start of a simple prayer, like mine. God, show me who you are. God, put something in my life today that would bring me closer to you. And then sit back and watch how He responds. 

Blessings to you, friends. Here's to a new decade. 

xoxo

Happy New Year

Gosh, the start of this year has been completely uneventful. Maybe I need to give thanks for that. NYE kicked off with a bedtime of around 10:00 and most of my evenings this week have ended with some HGTV viewing and falling asleep on the couch. Vacation mode, lazy days, and rest filled nights are in full swing over here. 

The days of vacation are flying by. We did manage to sneak away to my favorite place for an afternoon last week. Ahhhh, there is nothing like it. The sun felt warmer at the beach than it has at home. The smell of the salty air and the sound of the ocean waves trickling back to the sea over all of the beach rocks felt like a glimpse of heaven on earth. I just love it here and don't spend nearly enough time enjoying it for being such a short driving distance from it all. Maybe that is one thing I should resolve to do more of this year. 

Speaking of resolutions. I am not huge on the idea of making resolutions, per se... But I do appreciate the idea of a fresh start and trying new things. My new chronological Bible reading plan has been so great this week! It's not too late if anyone is still interested in following along. I wrote about it here. I'm thankful to have started it over vacation because I'm spending a big chunk of my morning diving into it and I am learning so much. I am not sure how that will pan out when I go back to work in another week. I will have to start setting my alarm earlier, or doing the reading at night instead. Either way, this is one I know I want to stick with. Here are a few thoughts I had this week as we kicked off in Genesis and Job. 

God is SO big and SO mighty and I am so very small. Reading the story of creation really put that into perspective for me. It's amazing how my little world becomes so big in my eyes. But gosh, our God is so powerful and I am so thankful that He created us in such a way that we are allowed to know Him through his word and communicate with Him through prayer. 

God's word even from the very beginning points to Jesus. I can't wait to see the big picture in its entirety as I continue studying.

God is hurt by our sin. 

Gen 6: 5-6 "The Lord saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. The LORD grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain."

God restores His plan with His people. Like Noah, in whom he "found favor" with. This made me wonder if I were more obedient and upright, if I would sense more ways that God could use me to fulfill His purpose. 

And now for the last few days we've been in the book of Job and will remain there for the next few weeks. In all honesty, this book has been harder for me to really dive into. But I am still seeing glimpses of God's character. And one big take away that I have had in the last few days is from reading the chapters about Job's friends responding to Job's hardships. I learned that the best comfort we can provide a friend is done with our presence and our silence. Even well intended words can hurt those who are suffering. 

Dustin, my mom, and his mom, have been reading along with the plan this week, too. (And my friend Sara Culver!) It's been nice having someone to talk to about it each day. Mostly, I am just blown away that there is so much to learn and so much that I don't know about God's character and His sovereign plan for creation. I'm thankful to have the Word to better understand it all and especially grateful for Tara Leigh Cobble's podcast that helps recap each day's reading in a way that makes sense to my very limited brain capacity. :) 

Phew, you still with me? 

On a totally different note. I need help in the health department. Remember when I use to want to stand on the roof tops and shout to all to join me in the Kayla Itsine's BBG workout plan? I followed it pretty faithfully for about a year and a half and have soooo many great things to say about it. My body never felt so strong and my energy level and confidence were equally uplifted. But I fell off the wagon sometime towards the end of summer and didn't look back and man, does it show. Even with the beginning of the new year, I have very little motivation to jump back into it. 

But yesterday, Donovan started to watch these episodes of America Ninja Warrior Junior and then last night we randomly watched that new show The Titan Games or something... and I felt so sad that I have let myself fall so far from where I had been fitness wise. 

I mean, I can barely button my jeans right about now. It's been a loooong season of eating comfort foods, desserts like they're going out of style, and rarely turning down an offer for an IPA or a holiday egg nog. 

So after Donovan begged me to "get bigger muscles" with him, I did the very first BBG workout today and it kicked my A**. I am SO out of shape. But I am also wanting so badly to keep it up so that there comes a time where I feel like I am owning the workout and it's not owning me. 

Self control is the name of the game and I struggle with that big time. Especially where good food and sweets are part of the picture. We'll see how this one plays out. We are soon to enter the busiest season of our year with baseball season upon us. I lose my better half for the majority of the week and weekend. But I also don't want excuses to keep me from being my best self. So consider me putting this into writing as some sort of commitment to doing better for me, and for my kids especially. 

And I guess, that's about it for this week. It went by so fast and we did a whole lot of nothing... but I loved every minute of it. 

Tomorrow we leave for our Disneyland trip! We are doing 3 days at the park and I am super excited. It's been 4 years since we were there last. I know it'll be exhausting and I am not sure how my little fireball is going to handle all of the excitement. But I also have very little expectations and am just excited to soak up fun time with my crew. Can't wait to blog about it on the flip side. 

Have a wonderful week, friends! 

xo

Just Call Me Scrooge, and Other Ramblings...

unrelated family selfie from the Safari Park earlier today

Hi everyone! How was your Christmas? Ours was amazing! It was kid-present galore, a scavenger hunt that ended with a surprise trip to Disneyland next month, rainy weather, sweats all day long, and yummy lasagna cooked from scratch. I couldn't have designed a better day if I had tried. I'll add more pictures in another post.

My mom also surprised me with a DVD set of Road to Avonlea which was my favorite show when I was a kid. So many sweet memories of watching it as a girl with my Mom and Oma. I couldn't wait to put it on and introduce it to my own kids. Such a thoughtful surprise. Thanks, Momma!

So, In a previous post I commented on how I wanted to keep the decorations going strong through New Year's. Well... that changed fast. There are zero signs of Christmas in the house right now. Go ahead, Christmas shame me... I can take it. Something happened on the morning of the 26th. I woke up and all of the sudden, the cozy Christmas decor that filled the house was now paired with toy mania. I tried to put some of the gifts away and just shoved them on top of piles of pre-existing toys. My skin was crawling with a sense of "holy cow, we have way too much stuff!" Do you ever get like that? Don't get me wrong... I received those feelings with gratitude like we are so undeserving of all of this but they were paired equally with the thoughts of my unapologetic rigidity which borderlines OCD.
So on the morning of the 27th, I woke up and made coffee. I sat and cuddled with the kids on the couch and then in the late morning ventured upstairs and could not control myself any longer. It started in the kids' room. Then I quickly decided to expand my clean up to the upstairs... which ended up leading me to the downstairs and by early evening Christmas was completely gone. Sorry, folks. Maybe next year I will be less of a Grinch and enjoy the post-Christmas chaos like a good momma should. Until then, you can find me happily sitting in my now naked looking... but much tidier space.

Phew, that confession felt good. I also know I am not the only one because there were a handful of neighbors that had trees in the green bins when the trash trucks came yesterday. Crazy house cleaners unite!

In other news, I got my hair cut and colored yesterday and it felt soooo good! It had been 8 months since I had been in and my hair was in dyer need of attention. Nothing too drastic... just bringing the lighter color up a bit towards the crown and taking a few inches of the dry and dead off... but man, it felt good!

Any readers out there want to join me with this beginning January 1st? It came as a total answer to prayer. Quite literally! Let me rewind.
Last month, I happened upon a podcast from the Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey where she featured Tara-Leigh Cobble if you've never heard of either of these names before, don't worry, I hadn't either. But I was so intrigued with what Tara-Leigh shared. Long story short, she was challenged by a mentor of hers to read through the Bible. Really THROUGH it, the whole thing. She talked about devotionals and how they do offer encouragement and insight... but that you can't base your knowledge of the Bible strictly on highlighted scriptures. You need to really understand the context of scripture and when it was written and who it was written to. Her passion for understanding the Bible was nearly tangible in this interview. I was so inspired. She also spoke about the gift of understanding the character of God through studying the Bible this way.
I listened to the interview twice and was left with such a desire to grasp the same type of wisdom that Tara-Leigh spoke about. But I wasn't sure how to start. I searched online a bit but didn't come up with a whole lot. I decided that leading up to Christmas, I would dive into the Old Testament. After all, isn't it amazing that the prophet Isaiah foretold the Christmas story hundreds of years before Jesus was even born?
So I opened up the book of Isaiah, newly inspired every morning as I did devotions. And in all honesty, I felt the same way I always do when I read the Old Testament... Confused, a bit bored, and not grasping a whole lot about God's character.
I actually wrote in my journal on Thursday morning, "God, I want so badly to understand ALL of the Bible. I want to know you and learn more about you through your word. If it's your will for me to grow in that wisdom, like I feel you calling me to do, would you direct me to a path for how to begin?"

I left it at that. And then, that same evening right before bed, I checked my email inbox and found the link to this post: A TOTAL answer to my prayer from the morning. And not only is it a plan for studying the Bible chronologically in 2019 BUT it also linked to a brand new podcast where, you guessed it... Tara-Leigh Cobble will be doing a short daily commentary on the exact same reading plan highlighting what stands out to her about God's character in that day's reading.

I almost wanted to cry. Thanks God for answering this desire of my heart so quickly! How could I not commit to this invitation. If any of you are interested in joining me and lots of other women seeking after Him on this endeavor, click on this link to learn more. I can't wait! (Sarah Trousset, I know 2019 is going to be a busy one for you.. but I specifically thought of you when I signed up. Want to join me)?

So, I guess that's it for now. The days this week have been mostly lazy... enjoying being home with the kids and playing all sorts of games together and not enjoying the constant sibling squabbles. One of which is happening as I type. If anyone has the secret for how to make that stop indefinitely, I am ALL ears.

Happy almost New Year my friends. I am so excited for what's to come.
xo

My favorite comedian styling my beanie in new and fashionable ways

Reflecting on our Marriage

Earlier this month, Dustin and I celebrated our 11th anniversary. Well, to be fair, we didn't celebrate it at all. We recovered from a 3 week family vacation complete with a 9 hour road trip, popped tire, and a ton of yard work waiting for us when we arrived back home. But, we're lucky that with a summer off from work, it affords us lots of time to relax and enjoy each other. That's a celebration in and of itself. I'm so thankful for it. 

I think that any couple reflecting on a year spent together, would remark on the growth that they've made. Time inadvertently presents obstacles to overcome as well as joyful memories to share both of which produce growth. But this year, I feel like we've made notable growth. I love where we're at now and I can't wait to see, God willing, where we'll continue to grow together in the years to come. 

Let's start here. Our wedding. These words spoken by Pastor Nathan ring truer and truer to my ears each time I revisit our wedding ceremony. 

This was Pastor Nate's charge to us that began the ceremony:

Dustin and Meghan I charge you both as you stand here before the presence of God to remember that your commitment to marriage is a commitment to permanence. God's intent is that your marriage will be for life and that only death will separate you. If the vows you exchange today will be kept faithfully and if you will seek always to know and to do the will of God, your lives will be blessed with His presence and your house will be filled with His peace.

One of the things I remember most about Nate's message during our ceremony, was his insightful thoughts on Paul's description of love in the famous 1 Corinthians 13 passage "Love is..." 

Nathan explained the type of love that Paul described and then said, that if Paul were here today, he wouldn't ask, "Meghan, how much do you love Dustin?" He would say, "Meghan, how well do you love Dustin?" 

That idea has always resonated with me. If Paul describes love in measurable actions, then I have the ability to check-in with myself regularly to make sure I am loving Dustin well. The sheer amount of love I have for Dustin will always continue to grow. We've been through so much, how could it not? But the way that I love him day in and day out... now, that is a choice I have to make every single day. 

There are a few random things that I feel like have contributed to my loving Dustin better this year. None came about with much intention. But I thought I would share a few that come to mind. 

Text messages: This is the simplest thing but it has really blessed me this year. More often than not, during our work days if I had a moment that I thought of Dustin, I would just grab my phone and send him a quick message. Sometimes, it was a reminder that I was praying for a particular thing he had going on... or other times it was a really dumb meme that I knew would make him laugh. He in turn began to do the same and I can't tell you, how nice it was to know that in the midst of his busy, demanding day, I was on his mind. 

Keeping my negative thoughts between me and God: No marriage is all sunshine and rainbows. We both do things that get on each other's nerves or sometimes really hurt one another. I have learned that during those times, there is no gain in running to my girlfriends to vent, or over-sharing with colleagues at work, or even to my mom. Instead, I run to my journal, and pray to the one that I know gets the situation, gets me, and can heal it quickly. I find, especially in the workplace, surrounded by women, it's so easy to jump into the negative talk about husbands chatter. I have made a conscious decision to only speak good about Dustin and it's felt so right. 

Vulnerability: You would think after 15 years together, 11 of those married, how much more vulnerable can you get? But both he and I have made a point of opening up more intentionally to one another. I have let him in on many an occasion now when I experience anxiety... trying to explain what it's like, and why it's a struggle for me. Having hard conversations about things we have historically kept to ourselves really softened our hearts for one another. It's allowed me to lean on Dustin for strength. It's humbled both of us and shaped our relationship into something more than it was before. 

Making church a priority: This is one we continue to work on. During baseball season (our busiest season of the year) we got very relaxed about attending church. Our church offers its sermons online which makes it super convenient to just duck out here and there and catch the sermon mid-week at our own convenience. But, I notice a huge difference in our relationship when we attend regularly and make church the greatest priority in our weekend.  

A quick devotional: Years ago my mother-in-law bought me this devotional. Just last summer I actually started to read through it daily. It is a bit antiquated at times but man, the truths in this one keep me humble. It keeps me focused on my role as a wife from the lens of scripture. It's been a short but productive way to kick off my days. 

I am sure there are more ideas that would come to mind if I continued to reflect. But these are the few that I have on the top of my head. 

Pastor Nathan's closing prayer in our wedding was this:

Father we pray that you would bless Dustin. May his strength be Meghan's protection. May his character be her boast and her pride. And may he so live that she will find in him a haven for which the heart of a woman truly longs. 

And dear Heavenly Father we ask that you would bless Meghan. Give her tenderness that will make her great. A deep sense of understanding and a great faith in You. Grow in her that inner beauty of soul that never fades.

May they never take one another's love for granted but always experience that breathless wonder that exclaims that out of all this world you have chosen me. And when life is done and the sun is setting may they be found then, as now, hand in hand, still thanking God for each other. May they serve you happily, faithfully, together, until as last, one shall lay the other into the arms of Jesus. This we ask through Jesus Christ the great lover of our souls. Amen.

 Such a powerful prayer. It gives me goosebumps. 

It's been a really good year. I hope they will all feel that way. It takes me back to that charge at the beginning of the ceremony "if we seek always to know and do the will of God, 'our' lives will be blessed with His presence and 'our' house will be filled with His peace." Trying to keep on keeping on with that at the forefront of our minds. There is no one, NO ONE I would ever want to share this journey with but Dustin. Here's to another year of trying to love him well. 

where did we leave off?

Oh hey there, March. Where the heck did you come from? Holy moly these weeks have just been flying by. Every weekend, I have the honest intent to update this here space with my thoughts and a few pictures but the days are so busy and my quiet time to process anything worth writing about is minimal to say the least. 

But today, I am here. Due to the fact that I took a sick day from work today. Last week I pushed through the end of the week like I was literally running a full blown marathon. I wasn't feeling horrible but definitely not great. Sore throat, aches, chills and a bit congested. The worst part was that I had absolutely NO energy what-so-ever. I just kept at it and was finally feeling like I was coming back to- until this morning. I woke up with a headache, aches, chills, and exhaustion all over again. I finally decided to surrender and take a day for myself. 

Isn't it funny when you actually have a day like that to rest? Do you rest? 

I tried to close my eyes. I was so tired after everyone was off at school/preschool/daycare. But my "nap" only lasted 10 minutes or so. And now I am sitting here twiddling my thumbs thinking, "what am I supposed to do on a day without a schedule?" 

I'll tell you what. Update the blog with the meager selection of photos sitting on my camera from the past few weeks, that's what. 

So again, hey there. Hope your March is off to a fine start, my friends. 

We left off here. Celebrating my Dad's birthday with my attempt to cook up some fresh paella. It turned out so good! I LOVE cooking with rich, flavorful ingredients. There is nothing more relaxing to me than taking my time to prepare something in slow, savory steps sampling the food as I go. It was such a happy night. The house was a mess, but the company was awesome. We shared wine and laughs and it ended with a very sweet family movie night watching Cars 3. It was one of those perfect nights that will be etched in my memory for a long time to come. I hope my Dad could tangibly feel how loved and appreciated he is. 

 Perhaps the biggest change around here lately has been this little stinker that decided to turn into a full blown toddler before my eyes. She is now favoring walking to crawling which instantly aged her overnight. She is happy as can be swinging her arms at her sides as she clumsily walks from place to place with way too much confidence. She could not be more proud of herself! It's time to rethink our baby proofing because she's getting a bit too good and this quick here to there business. Taylor is trying to say new words all of the time. This week, Grammie taught her to say "up," which sounds more like "dup." You can tell she is soaking in so many things right now because she stares at you intensely when you are explaining things to her. She nods her head yes or shakes it from side to side when you talk to her like she is full on comprehending everything you tell her. 

She loves to make her version of animal noises when you read her books about animals. In fact, every morning she pulls the exact same animal book off of her bookshelf, brings it to me, and then plops down in my lap for a read aloud with momma. Every single day I give thanks for this bright, little sunshine girl in my life. I am so smitten with her. It's been so long since visiting these baby milestones with Donovan and Emmerson that it almost feels like seeing them all for the first time again. Such sweet celebrations in every new thing she does. 

 It's full blown baseball season around here. Dustin has four games this week all over San Diego county. Donovan and I snuck over to watch his team win their first home game yesterday. He is so dang good at what he does. It gives me butterflies watching him out there with his team. He knows the game so well and treats each of his players with so much respect. I am so thankful that God's given him an opportunity to use his gifts and talents this way. As hard as it is to have months of afternoons without Daddy at home, I know it is exactly where he needs to be. And it makes the start of summer that much sweeter knowing we get Daddy back all to ourselves. (How many weeks until summer, again?? Kidding!)

Donovan is playing on two teams this season. (Not my choice-if I am being totally honest). I think in this day and age parents are pushing children into too much too early. We take our cues from Donovan. He LOVES baseball. It is definitely his thing...  so we dipped our toes into multiple teams this season. To him, it's just more time to play and be outside with his buddies, doing what he loves. That, I'm cool with. But the jam packed weekend full of activity I'm not completely keen on. Especially when it shifts our other more important priorities... like church. We're solid Saturday night church attenders but in recent weeks have been jumping all over the place to different Sunday morning services to accommodate the change in schedules.  We'll see how it all plays out. I am trying not to complain and to serve and encourage with a happy heart. But it's hard for this routine momma. 

 On that note. This, my friends, is my happy place. I am such a home body. Nothing makes me happier than living in our home and enjoying the comfort of this joy-filled space. I am so content when I tidy up this space and fill it with fresh flowers (Thanks, Gram) and light a good smelling candle. Ahhhh. I feel so lucky to have this place to live our lives in. 

However, in this fast paced season between work, school, sports, church, birthday parties and all of the like, I feel more like this space is just our staging ground. It's like: quick run in and grab a snack and a sweatshirt... we've gotta go. Drop your bags and grab what you need: go, go, go!

And I hate that! The serenity of the space has been getting lost on me lately. I suppose this will always be my life's struggle. Finding contentment and solace even in the busy. It's been a common theme on this blog in recent years that's for sure. I am still trying to figure that out. Trying to find a happy medium between the rush. 

Kind of wishing we stuck true to the idea of a sabbath day. Right? Intentional time of rest together. Hmmm. I may have to think about how to make a version of that happen for our little family. 

 By the way, the painting above is of my Oma. I found this portrait of her in her closet at home and begged to have it for myself. I just LOVE it! She is so beautiful. Even now, at 95 her smile radiates. I love her so!

I hesitate to pop this picture on here. I promise I am not a narcissist. But I did want to update my readers on my health and fitness. Last year at about this time, I decided to try a new exercise plan. I eased myself into the BBG plan by Kayla Itsines after a few other friends had tried and liked it. I have noticed more and more bloggers posting about it in recent months, too. 

You guys, I have never, ever in my entire life stuck with an exercise routine... but for me- this is it. 

I can totally make the 3 day/wk 28 minute/workout routine happen. And heck, some weeks I can't. Like last week when I told you I felt like I was running a marathon... I took an entire week off of working out. I listened to my body. 

But this (mostly) consistent work out routine has been so good for my mind, body, and soul. It pushes me, makes me feel strong, and is so therapeutic. I usually listen to a sermon on podcast or worship music while I workout and so it's both a physical and spiritual gift to myself. I can't recommend it enough. I wish every woman gifted themselves with the time to do something that makes them feel healthy, good and strong. Whether it be this workout, or just going outside for a walk. We owe it to ourselves, ladies. 

My diet still stinks. That would require much more of a sacrifice for me and I haven't quite worked up the will power to do nutrition more mindfully. I try to balance my junk eating with mostly decent meals and limit my craft beers to weekend dinners. :)

In addition to fitness, I have tried to be more mindful in other areas of my life as well lately. 

In this season of lent, in preparation for Easter I challenged myself in two ways. 

The first, was a spending freeze. I eliminated social media last summer when I felt more and more of a desire to spend, being constantly fed with images of sales and deals and all of the like. It helped. But it didn't completely deter my desire to spend on frivolous things and treat myself to things I really don't need. 

So I kicked off this season of lent telling myself that I truly only need Jesus. And each and every time I have a desire to scroll through Madewell's new arrivals or Anthro's sale section... or all of my favorite home decor sites... I try to draw myself nearer to Him. 

Colossians 3:2 Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things

This has been my go to verse for the month and I really have loved the discipline of it. 

Admittedly, the beginning of March got more challenging when my inbox flooded with birthday emails "Just for you... $25 off here and 20% off coupon for____" I am so used to treating myself to things like that, that I almost wanted to forward it to Dustin with a wish list and say, "Hey, just didn't want this to go to waste in case you were wondering..." 

But I really do want to be mindful about this practice and not give in. This has been a good challenge for me. 

The other idea I had for lent was to challenge Dustin and I to read the Bible together and pray. For as long as we've been together, I would say we have become great communicators... but we rarely pray with each other intentionally. I'll ask him to pray for me in certain ways and vice versa. But our own prayer time or devotional time has been just that, our own. 

I was curious to see how God would use us if we committed to sharing that sacred time together. While we started off strong meeting together every day for the first few weeks, we have drifted off a bit. It really does take intentionality to make it happen. But I sure have loved the time we've spent together when it does happen. I am so thankful for his partnership and for marriage in general. There is nothing better than being fully known and fully loved and I am thankful that we've come so far in that journey. 

Whew! So, that's a little of what we've been up to these last few weeks. 

Life's not perfect. As things have gotten busier in these last few weeks, I have felt the all too familiar feelings of anxiety trickle back into my day to day walk. So I just keep trying to pace myself and remember that my greatest purpose isn't in getting all the things done or perfect... but in looking for opportunities to serve Him well, despite the daily race of activities. 

The one person I didn't mention in this post is my sweet Emmerson. And goodness, you guys... guess what I did! On Friday afternoon at 4:00 I completely FORGOT her preschool conference! Yep, I'm that mom. I rushed in at 4:35 with tears in my eyes apologetically rambling on like an idiot about how I got tasked with stuff at work and just, plain, forgot. Ugh. Grace, grace... give me all the grace. 

And if you still happen to be reading this never ending post, I will end with this. A true perspective shifter. My mom sent me screen shots of a college friend of mine and Dustin's whose precious son, Joey was just diagnosed with Leukemia. Her posts are so raw and so convicting. 

If you feel compelled to lift Joey and his family up in prayer, would you take a second to do so right now? I know they would appreciate it so much. 

Until next time, sweet friends. Thanks for following along.

xoxo

NYE

*HAPPY*

*NEW*

*YEAR*

As you would imagine, we partied super hard last night. 

 No, no we didn't. 

But we did celebrate the East Coast feed in style. 

I love this time of year. Lots of thinking and reflecting to do. 

I nearly lost my marbles yesterday dealing with the day to day knock down drag out battle other wise known as getting Emmerson ready to run errands. That girl really knows how to bring her momma to her knees on some days. Which makes me think about one of many things I am resolving to do more intentionally this year: Prayer. 

I read this coincidentally this morning and wrote it in my journal. 

James 5

Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. 

I do pray. I enjoy praying. But this year specifically, I want to focus more on God's faithfulness throughout the year and how to recognize those prayers that he continues to answer. I am still trying to brainstorm ways to make that more tangible to our kids. 

And another resolution of intentionality for me is just to continue to evolve as a wife and parent. 

I loved this quote from Katrina Kennison, 

"Our children do not need possessions to be happy; they need only to feel sure that they possess our hearts, our attention, our acceptance of who they are." 

Good word, right?

I have lots to work on as always.  I am excited for the refresh that the new year invites me into. 

Happy New Year, friends. I hope yours is a great one. 

xoxo 

The day the to do list got put aside

Today was an interesting day. I dropped off Emmerson at preschool and then proceeded to drive Donovan and I to our own school. As I often do, I prayed out loud as we drove asking Donovan if there was anything else he wanted to add in. My mind was full of the needs of others today and the car ride just didn't seem long enough to fit it all in.
This, so far, was a typical morning. Most mornings I park the car and then Donovan and I half walk, half run into the front office because I am pushing the clock. The rest of the day is a blur of busy, busy, busy. Lots of teaching, lots of talking, lots of to-dos being checked off of lists. You know... work stuff.
But today I walked through the lounge and just cordially asked the first teacher I saw how she was doing. She put her head down and kind of shook her head. I asked her if she was okay and she shook her head again. I gave Donovan a quick smooch and then asked him to head on out to the playground. I immediately felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to pray for this teacher. So I asked her if she wanted to go to her classroom to talk. She didn't say much. Tears came to her eyes. I asked her if it'd be okay if I prayed and she said yes. There, in that quiet room, with her student teacher looking on, she and I sat. We sat side by side, my hand touching the top of her back, and I prayed for her. I didn't know the situation that she was in but I did know that she was upset, so the words just came to me. We quickly hugged. She thanked me. I reminded her that I was there for her for anything that she needed. And then I was on my way.
Off to my office. But before I walked in, another teacher was walking toward me. I smiled and said hi but could tell as she got closer that her eyes were watering. She asked, "Can I talk with you for a minute? I need to talk to someone that can pray for me." So I dropped my bags on my desk and asked her if we could go to her classroom.
She tearfully confided in me about a phone call she received this morning. Health results. Scary health results from a family member. She cried. I grabbed both of her hands and just prayed. Out loud, right in that room, I prayed. Then we hugged and I reminded her that God would give her the strength that she needed to get through today.
Wow, this was a crazy start to the day.
I decided to pop into a classroom just two doors down on my way back to my office space. A friend. She is celebrating her spiritual holiday this week and I knew she was having a hard time in the midst of the joyous celebrations because she is still grieving the recent loss of her Dad. I causally made small talk for a moment and asked her how her church festivities went last night. She said it was all fine but really hard without her dad being there.
I couldn't help myself. I just hugged her. I told her that I had no idea how hard the pain was that she was feeling right now but I was so, so sorry that she was hurting.
We both cried this time. She is such a dear friend.

I walked back to my office now. The bell had rung and the halls were quiet. I looked blankly at my work space.

I began thinking about my parents who were driving to visit my sweet cousin that has chosen to stop battling against the cancer that has now taken over her body. I knew this would be a hard day for them and of course for our dear cousin and her daughter.

Gosh, this time of year can be hard.

Today was a wake up call to me. I was so honored and humbled to pray for these beautiful sisters, colleagues, and friends. But God reminded me that while my own family is joyful and full of cheer in anticipation of Christmas... others are hurting. In this season of celebration I don't ever want to fill my days so full with activity that I am unavailable to the many, many needs of those around me.

I know a blog post is not the most personal way to reach out to anyone that may be in a time of need. But know if these are words that resonate with you today, I am here. If you have any prayer requests you can always email me meghan.hein@mac.com and I will be in touch shortly.
Friends, you are never alone. I hope we all have those that can make themselves available to us when we need someone to hug, listen, pray, care.

Matthew 18:20 For where two or three gather in my name, There am I with them. 

Recent convictions and wondering about your thoughts on the matter

Transparency alert: This is a random post. I'm not even sure if I'll hit publish, but since this space has been home to my thoughts for almost 9 years now, I thought, why not. 

You see, ever so often I feel gentle nudges which I attribute to the Holy Spirit that seem to speak truth to my soul. Sometimes, when life is busy, I will sweep those thoughts and quiet whispers to the very back of my mind. Sometimes I will drown them in mindless social media scrolling. And then sometimes I succumb to them and grapple with them and commit myself to working through them. 

Recently, I had one such conviction and I can't seem to get it out of my mind. It's in regards to spending. This first seemed to come forth as the bathroom renovation wrapped up. You see, Dustin and I had budgeted for the renovation. That was all very scheduled and taken care of. However, the finishing up of our bedroom was not. The floors, extra. The new pillows for the bed, extra. The rug, the new little lamp for the desk, and yes... my beloved fiddle-leaf fig tree... EXTRA. These were unforeseen costs that came about because I desperately wanted to complete the space. 

It seemed that in the week we returned home from our Sacramento trip, the UPS man was becoming part of the family. I so looked forward to his afternoon drop offs, each like Christmas morning providing one more piece to complete the puzzle. And now, it's done. Pictures taken, blog post up... ahhhhh. 

But then there was Amazon Prime Day (which I am happy to report came and went without any purchases) but that didn't stop me from watching each and every IG story of the insane deals I'd miss out on if I didn't grab them during that next hour. So much good stuff and my, what a steal! And then don't even get me started on the #nsale The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. Every single blogger with their fabulous taste picking out clothing, beauty products, and home goods that aren't even in season yet at 30 - 40% off. Wow. Just wow. It's all.... soooooo..... Worldly? 

And I have completely fallen victim to the unhealthy consumption of all things unnecessary. Where every want becomes a need and each new need fuels yet another need. And you guys, I can justify purchases like nobody's business. I mean, I am reallllly good at that. Have you been there? 

So I'm grappling. 

Today I looked up verses that I hoped would speak to this new found conviction. 

Matthew 6:19-21

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven... For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 

Hmmm, where has my heart been exactly? 

Here is where I have the hardest time and if I could sit down with you over a cup of coffee, I would ask you your thoughts about this. 

My Instagram feed has become largely filled with the pictures of people that I do not actually know. Mostly, perfectly curated pictures of fashion bloggers or home spaces that make my heart pitter patter and give me all the happy feels. It is very much like what Pinterest used to be. A source of endless inspiration with the added bonus of actual people talking to you about these lovely spaces or about fashion trends etc. through their IG stories. 

I do find so much good in this. I truly think God gave me a passion for things like this because I find legitimate happiness in the art of home design and admiring fashion. Like, it feeds a little part of my spirit to do so. I don't sit there and look at these pictures and think woe is me, why can't I have a house like that or spend money like that on dresses like hers. Honestly, I never feel that way. 

But subtly, the beauty of these things do bleed into my heart and ignite new ideas of things I could do in my home or give me a desire to add something new to my closet. And then it's that ugly consumeristic cycle of my wants becoming a justifiable need and that is what I need to put an end to. 

So what's a girl to do? Do I completely abandon the social media scroll? Do I unfollow those that are constantly promoting fabulous deals? Do I put myself on a spending freeze but still allow for the temptation of hearing about all of the deals and sales... Try all of the above? 

Do any of you have any expert advice or insight in this area? Anything help you with your desires to spend? Any good podcasts or reading on the topic?

So this is me, sharing my thoughts with you... desperately seeking contentment with the abundance of things I already have and trying to remind myself where my treasure really is. 

Still grappling. But I think that's the first step toward actively working on this latest conviction. 

Stay tuned and thanks for listening. 

xo

Perspective and Real Talk

2017 has been off to a shaky start for my extended family. There have been health scares, and unexpected loss, and surgeries to deal with unforeseen symptoms and more loss... it seems we have all shared more tears in the last month or so than we have ever had to in the past. I consider that last statement a blessing.

But have you ever walked through a time when you feel nervous to answer your phone when you see a loved one calling? That's been us lately. It seems like the bad news has been outweighing the good at times. 

In the midst of navigating the emotional chaos around here, there has been life. The day in and day out of our little lives that include early wake ups and late bed times and baseball and dance and school and meals in between. 

 It's been easy for me to slip into the monotony of each day... going about the routine, craving normalcy when things feel everything but. I tend to do that. I clean the house nervously instead of sitting down with my Bible because I would rather be busy than feel all of the feels that are swimming around in my mind. 

Have you ever stared aimlessly at the current events of others' lives on your instagram feed rather than face the reality of the current events right in front of you? Yup... guilty. 

 But the light in all of this is perspective. The day ins and outs can sometimes seem trying in and of themselves. You know, the bickering, the whining about what I made for dinner, the sitting in traffic or rushing out the door, the late practices and games that leave me navigating the mom life without my wing-man... those things can overwhelm and seem daunting at times leaving me to wish for simpler days ahead... there will be simpler days, right? Ha. 

But not for me. Not right now. In light of all that's been going on lately, it has renewed my gratitude for this moment in time. A greater appreciation of these three precious people that have been given to me to care for. My family, my extended family... the crazy amount of love I have for each one of them. It's made my love for each of them that much stronger.

So if you, by chance, happen upon my social media feed and it looks like it's all sunshine and rainbows... trust me. It's not. It's just me, clinging to what I have with all of my might and feeling incredibly thankful for the gift of perspective.

Shout for joy to the LORD all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness, come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his, we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. 

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise, give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever. His faithfulness continues through all generations. 

PSALM 100