Retreat

A few weeks ago I signed myself up for a remote Women's Retreat through Emmaus Church in Lincoln, California. I was unsure about how an online retreat would work, but I love the church community from Emmaus and was excited to give it a try! To clarify, we are about a 9 hour drive from this church, but the pastor of Emmaus is Dustin's childhood youth pastor. He and his wife hold a special place in our hearts as well as many of the other members of their church. We listen to their sermons online each week. Since we have been quarantined the last few months, we have also been watching their live sermons on Sundays which makes us feel even more present with the community. 

In the days prior to the retreat, they sent me this little printed e-book in the mail. Friends, if you are seeking transformation in your prayer life or relationship with Jesus, please look this up and order one for yourself. I think this e-book was only $7.00! 

In the book there are 15 short chapters. So short that you could read through it in one sitting if you wanted to. But in isolation, each chapter offers SO much impact. 

I headed into the retreat completely blind as to how it would work, what we would study, and what my take-away(s) would be. Each of us was placed into a small group facilitated by one woman. We would meet as a whole group on Facebook Live to hear the leader of the retreat speak. Our communication was through the chat during that time. After each time the speaker would share, she would provide direction as to what we would do next, when our small group would meet through Zoom, and when we should head back to the Facebook Live meeting for our next session. 

What I wasn't expecting was that the whole topic of the retreat was "how to retreat." The Ready, Set Rest book was a practical explanation of the value of practicing prayer retreat as well as how to do it. Our speaker for the weekend was Melissa, a member of Emmaus who wasn't a seasoned motivational type speaker, but instead, one of us. A faithful sister in Christ trying her best to speak to a screen and focus on offering insight in the midst of interruptions from her two sons, technology issues, and distractions of neighbors walking by the window directly in front of her. It was so REAL. 

Melissa shared her heart with us and as someone that recently began implementing prayer retreating herself, shared some of the tips and things that have worked best in her experience. 

Chapter 1-8 of the book are all about how to plan for the experience of retreating. Where to go, what to pack, frequency of scheduling retreat time etc. 

But chapters 9 - 15 are what really have been transforming my prayer life over the last few weeks. 

Let me start there. 

Chapter 9. START WITH "WITH"

In this chapter Alicia explains how to practice being in the presence of God. In each step of the day, she explains, "a mindset is being established: I am not alone, God is not a silent spectator, and this is a protected space devoted to the nurturing of our relationship." 

This has changed my morning prayer time significantly. Some mornings I am so tired that I just can't jump right into my Bible or journaling. My mind feels foggy and I need to wait until my coffee kicks in. Mornings like this, I am most inclined to grab my phone or my laptop and rather than focusing on prayer, I aimlessly scroll through my blog feed, Twitter, or read through emails. 

After reflecting on chapter 9, my perspective has changed. Jesus is with me. The difference is whether I recognize that or not. 

Since the retreat, even on the foggiest mental state of mornings, I grab my cup of coffee and sit on the couch and just sit. I look out the window. I let my mind spin on whatever thoughts are lingering there. I create space for Jesus to be here WITH me. I don't scroll my phone because that would be socially offensive if there was someone sitting here waiting to commune with me. I would feel awful if there were physically a person sitting on the couch across from me waiting to chat and instead I had my face in my phone. So with this new perspective of Jesus being WITH me, my mornings are slower. I acknowledge that even though I am not ready to talk or even focus, I am there in His presence. 

Chapter 10. FOCUS ON WHO HE IS

In this chapter, Alicia explains that by nature she is a reflective soul. It would be an intuitive starting point for her to begin her retreat time with journaling. But she says she has found it "immeasurably healthier to begin thinking about who God is rather than about who she is." She encourages us to start our quiet time by "Declaring God's attributes." 

Admittedly that part felt foreign to me. Do I formally begin to just praise God for how great and majestic He is? While I recognize that, it felt out of character for me to offer God a formal statement of my gratitude for who He is. So instead, I pulled this book out of my pile. I had started reading it a year or so ago, but didn't finish it. I now read a chapter each morning and have already finished the book, and am re-reading it again. Jen Wilkin is so brilliant and I love her perspective on the attributes of God and why we are so far from being Infinite, Incomprehensible, Self, Existent, Self-Sufficient, Eternal, Immutable, Omnipresent, Omniscient, Omnipotent and Sovereign. 

Chapter 11. REPENTANCE AND REST

This chapter begins, "Focusing on God's character almost always guides me safely into repentance." 

She encourages women to "Joyfully embrace repentance."

Repentance was not something I was accustomed to in my daily prayer. If I am being completely transparent, I think I often have a far too lofty vision of myself. I think that surely my intentions are always good and pure and of course, I am always trying my best even if it's not perfect. But Alicia so right in her call to have us focus on who God is first. As soon as I finish reading a chapter of Jen's book, I am always humbled and can easily begin my prayer time in complete reverence of a God that is so far from who I am. 

Dr. Basilea writes, "It is almost incomprehensible how much new, divine life is born out of contrition and repentance." I am finding this to be very true. Focusing on repentance every day reminds me of my need for God, my reliance on Him for all I need is a healthy way to begin my day. 

Chapter 12. WAITING 

Chapter 13. LISTEN AND END WELL

I love these chapters. She says next, "We wait on God because He is worthy of waiting for-whether or not He ever speaks." 

We wait for God to intercede in us about what we should talk about. We don't set off with a check list of prayers (which is my usual delivery method of prayer in the past). We wait. We listen. We discipline our mind to come back to Him even when it wanders off for the tenth time in a single minute. 

She says, "Think of spiritual waiting like a parent lovingly soaking up every feature of their baby's face and fingers and toes. They gaze at their child not because they are hoping that the babe will say something or do something. They gaze because that is what love does." 

So, I am learning to wait. To sit still. To pause and wait upon what God has for me to hear.

When I read these chapters and attempted to practice this during the weekend of the retreat I heard God speak to me. When I say that, I do not mean audibly. Instead a word came to my mind so vividly that I felt so strongly like it was a word that I clearly was receiving from Him. The word was REMAIN. I wrote it down in my journal. Remain. This led me to reading through John 15. 

If I had jumped straight from repentance, to my prayer check list, I would have missed waiting on God to clear my mind so that I could receive this word, that now has spoken volumes into my purpose. 

Chapter 14. BUILDING MUSCLE

Chapter 14 is a call to continue to practice of prayer retreating. It's a practical explanation of how to plan for the next one. 

Chapter 15. GOD'S DELIGHT

This chapter was the perfect closing. Alicia says, "In short, I believe that His delight is a miraculous constant in our lives and that once embraced, God's delight transforms our perspectives." 

This chapter was interesting to me. So often I falsely make God's delight in me dependent upon my actions. In fact, earlier in the chapter it asks you to pause and think about when we can feel that God is delighting in us. My response was that I know he delights in me when I am faced with a decision and I make the one that is obedient to Him. Like, I know He's most happy with me when I am acting out of His will or purpose for me. 

Interestingly enough, as the chapter goes on, it says, "Parenting is one of the relationships I can draw upon to begin to understand such love. My delight in my children does not rise and fall based upon their obedience... my delight is connecting to their existence and our relationship, not to their behavior." 

And there was my answer. God does not delight in me when I am good. He does not delight in me most when I am obedient. He delights in me when I am WITH him, when I seek relationship. He delights in me simply because I am His child. 

And this is where it all came together for me. There was no "gimmicky"take-away of this retreat, it wasn't about accomplishing anything or having a breakthrough, it wasn't God telling me how to serve Him or what to do with all that He has given to me... I left with the word that He gave me. REMAIN. 

John 15:5 I am the vine; you are the branches. If a (wo)man remains in me and I in (her), (she) will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.

That's it, sisters. I don't have to accomplish anything to deserve His delight. I simply have to REMAIN in Him. 

When I learned about the topic of the retreat my initial thought was, well, I won't actually develop a habit of retreating... but this will be good at least for this weekend to draw near to Him again. 

In the midst of the retreat my mindset had changed and I wrote this in my journal: 

Right now, Lord, I am thinking of retreating. If I expect to find you in the midst of an average day, my time with you will be interrupted by requests for a blankie, a refill of milk, a desire to know what's for breakfast, a need for a mediator about who gets to choose the morning cartoon. 

It's hard to find you in these distractions, and my own distractions, too. 

An email for a can't miss sale, an early start to chores, a quick response to a lingering email. 

When I am forcing prayer into these moments, I am functioning as a canal, asking God to fill me just enough to share that peace, insight, or sense of acceptance with others until I am quickly depleted once again. 

Retreating is different. It is rest. It is divine peace. It is commune. It is being still and training my mind to accomplish nothing more than to be with you. 

To listen and actually hear what you want to speak to my heart. Acknowledging who I am in this very moment. Remembering that I am infinitely loved both now and in every moment that ever was and ever will be. The act of filling my soul so generously that I am now a reservoir offering love to others out of the abundance and overflow I have received myself. 

Could I retreat once a month? 

How would retreating once a month change the trajectory of my actions, my marriage, my parenting? 

I've been wanting to record all of this so that I don't forget. A month later and I have admittedly felt some of these things start to drift already. This is why being intentional about planning these retreats consistently becomes important. Training myself to REMAIN in Him. 

Amen.

Deep Thoughts While Cleaning out my Closet

Hey friends,
Sometimes I write in this space to help myself process thoughts. So even if it is just my mom reading this... Want to chat, Momma?

Yesterday, I took on the major job of cleaning out my closet for the season. Seeing as the summer temperatures are here to stay, I no longer have a need for a closet filled with sweaters, boots, and winter coats. Even more, without having to physically go to work every day, my style needs can basically be summed up by t-shirts, leggings, or a pair of cut off shorts.

So, I do this about twice a year. Once in the spring and once in the fall. I usually start here as a reminder as well as some much needed inspiration to be intentional in my purging. With that in mind, the process for me looks like this:

I have one huge bin that stays in the garage. All of the items I know I want to save but will certainly not wear until a complete shift in the seasons goes here.

Then I have two under the bed storage bins. In one bin, I put my spring/summer clothes items that I still want to save but that just don't make the cut for the items that I want on constant rotation in my closet. In this particular season, this looks like work items that I would certainly grab for when we return to school in August, but that I have no need for in my every day life. (Pencil skirts, fancy blouses, dresses I would only wear to events like weddings, heels etc.)

The other under the bed bin, is for similar clothing but that lends itself more towards the cooler weather. In this bin, I put sweatshirts and zip up jackets that I would grab if it was raining or if we were going camping and some professional items that I might grab for before it gets deep into fall/winter.

The last pile of items is either, throw away (ripped, holes, stained items) or give-away. For this go around, I had a large amount of items that have been in storage for season after season but that I just don't grab for anymore. Super nice things, that were once favorites from Anthropologie or J Crew but that now seem, too young, or too short, or just a style I would never wear anymore. Like, why did I ever wear jeans that were low rise? Thank goodness high rise became the thing because I don't think I can ever go back to that. For these items I ordered a ThredUp bag. I'm not super set on making money on the items, but because a lot of them look like new and are nicer items... I thought this would be the better option for me during this particular purging session.

So all of that to say this. When I was finished sorting items, I began to hang things back up in my closet. It does feel lighter, and easier to see things in there now. But there were still so many things I know I won't wear this summer and absolutely not an inch of space left in my under the bed or garage storage bins and it made me think... why do I have SO much stuff?

Why do I constantly feel enticed by a morning email alerting me to a must shop sale? Why do I waste countless hours over the course of a day, week, month, year virtually browsing the sale sections at Madewell, Anthro, Nordstrom... Why do I see bloggers awesome scores for such a good price and feel the need to add that same item to my wardrobe? Why do I buy more when each of the items in my closet were once something that I felt like I had to have and no longer feel that way about?

Sure, it's normal for some bit of style trends to ebb and flow but... I have SO much and often feel like I only grab for the same three t-shirts.

In reflecting on this a lot yesterday, I was almost annoyed with myself. I am not immune to the easy self-gratification of an online purchase. I love the thrill of a delivered box of goodies sent to my door with my name on it. I get it. But the bigger question is... do I NEED it? Do I need to self gratify with clothing purchases? Do I need new clothes to feel good about myself? In a religious sense, have I made clothing an idol?

I was humbled. I am humbled. And I am thankful for this time of recognizing the surplus because it is just that... SURPLUS.

So all of these thoughts to say, that I feel a conviction to stop. And that's kind of hard for me to commit to. How long can I go? What if there's a really cute thing that I want? But that one sale will surely come?

Right now, I feel a strong conviction to STOP. To live with what I have and find re-working the items that are squished in the closet and bins upon bins as a new creative challenge.

I felt the need to write out my thoughts here, because whenever my thoughts become printed words, it feels like the decision is made more permanent. So here it is, my blog post proclamation to find contentment with the surplus of clothing items I have now and to resist the urge to gratify with more.

What about you? Have you ever reflected on this idea? Would you be able to halt the need to buy, to browse, to want? It's pretty challenging in this current state of culture, right? But here I go, all the same. I will let you know how it goes.

Stay tuned.

The Faithful Rhythms of the Morning

I often forget to document the mundane. I hope that this space that I have been sharing life on for the past 12+ years will be a source for me to look back on often as the kids grow older and the seasons of life give way to change.
Today I was reflecting on our mornings. Right now with the current state of the quarantine our mornings are static. Each day begins, for the most part, the exact same way. And for the sake of documenting the simple things of this season of life, here's how it goes.
At the first hint of sunlight, the birds begin to sing crazily to one another. I remember that this was something I had to get used to when we first moved here 11 years ago. Every morning, particularly in the spring, it sounds like we live in the midst of a bird sanctuary. Our home is in a standard southern California track, but our backyard is a bit unusual with a giant sloped hill on two sides that provides home to trees and birds and some other unwelcome creatures as well. (That's you, baby rattlesnake that we found two weeks ago). Any way, I have grown so accustomed to the sounds of the morning that I hardly take note of it anymore. Until yesterday when I snuck outside on my balcony for a virtual meeting and my principal stopped the meeting to ask, "Where are all of those bird sounds coming from?" Oops! All that to say that the birds are the alarm clock for our littlest Hein. When they start singing, she comes ringing.
Taylor comes in to our bed unapologetically noisy and asks to crawl in with me and cuddle. Sometimes she will actually snuggle with me allowing me to catch a few more minutes of much appreciated sleep. But most mornings she makes her presence in bed wildly known and practically kicks me out of the bed so that we can continue our morning routine.
I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and then she insists on me carrying her down the stairs. I plop Tay on the couch, turn on a cartoon and cover her up with one of her blankets. She is very picky about the blanket and the cartoon selection.
I warm up the coffee maker, give Molly, our 10 year old yellow lab, a treat and then get Taylor's sippy cup of milk ready and deliver it to her with one white chocolate chip. So random, right? But don't judge. With kid #3 I shamefully give in to many things to avoid the tantrums.
The next 20 minutes or so are quiet. I make my coffee and sit down at my favorite spot on our living room couch and break open my Bible. This is my sacred prayer time. The way I fill myself for all of the needs that will present themselves throughout the day. This time grounds me. It is often left off during busy work weeks so this quarantine time has blessed me by making this special quiet time a strict routine.
Now, even though it's my quiet time there are requests yelled from the room next door. "Momma, can you take my cup?" Which means that she is too lazy to put her milk cup on the coffee table directly in front of her. "Momma, can you tuck me in again?" Most days I willingly give into these requests, although there are a few mornings that I just don't have the energy... yet. At least not until my coffee kicks in.
I know my quiet time is coming to an end when I can hear Emmerson tip toeing down the stairs behind me. Each kiddo is so unique her their morning habits. Emmerson likes to come downstairs unannounced. She would breeze right by me, happily unnoticed if I'd allow her to. She usually has a tired, grouchy face and doesn't want to be touched, cuddled, or engaged with yet. I usually offer her a sweet voiced, "Good morning, sweet girl." To which she scoffs at and grouchily makes herself a spot on the couch by Taylor with her own blanket to lay in. Em is also my first kid that requests breakfast. She's hangry. Every single morning and doesn't become "herself" until she's eaten.

Next comes Donovan. He's an early riser, but he usually spends time in his room before coming downstairs. I hear him stirring about shortly after I bring Tay downstairs. When Donovan  comes down the stairs, he bounds a few steps at a time and jumps right on the couch next to me, seeking a kiss and some morning back scratches. He'll take all of the attention I can muster. He leaves very little personal space between the two of us and begins asking questions a mile a minute, "What do you want to do today? Can we watch a movie tonight? What are you going to make for dinner? Want to hear something funny that happened in my book?"

You may be wondering where my other half is in this... He is our sleeper. He sleeps like a rock and would sleep in until noon if he could. He's our slowest to rise.

Once Donovan makes his appearance known for the morning, my Bible and journal gets put away. I fix my mind on things that need to be done. Some chores, fixing breakfast, clearing the dishwasher, getting the girls dressed and ready for the day. In the midst of these things, we wake Daddy up and the real day begins.

These are the constants. The faithful rhythms of each morning full of varying personalities and needs. I often wonder if they will remain in tact as they grow older into pre-teen years and beyond. I am so thankful for these predictable starts to each day.

Glorifying God in Uncertain Times

Hey friends, I am surprised you came back after my most recent less that optimistic rant. 

This morning as I sat with my Bible and journal open before me, warm cup of coffee in hand, I had so many thoughts. 

Mainly, am I listening to your call, Lord? Am I really who you want me to be right now? Are my words and actions bringing glory to you during this season? 

The answer to all of these questions is likely, "no." I could always do and be better. So then my journal questions became, "How, Lord? What would you have me do?"

James 1:27 came to mind. It says, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

I listened to a sermon on this scripture recently that made me think about the fact that there actually are religious practices that aren't acceptable in God's eyes and that we should be mindful that the religion that we're practicing has elements of social activism, caring for the needs of those that are underserved, as well as working on our own personal drive to holiness.

Since hearing this sermon, I have been framing many of my thoughts into this context. In light of the situation that we're all currently facing, here's how I am attempting to answer my question of
"How, Lord? What would you have me do?"

Thinking of the underserved in the community... there are many: our elderly, our homeless, our families with a recent loss of income, our single parents... There are so many. But the ones that are currently keeping me up at night are the students that I serve.
Right now, our district is moving to a distance learning format in anticipation of this elongated time of school closures. This requires students to engage with their teacher in a web based setting. While our schools have been issuing chromebooks to families throughout the week, this alone is not the answer. Many of our students are home alone with working parents, many live in rural areas with no internet, others don't have the privilege of paying for internet, many have parents that speak a language other than the language their child is learning, some parents have not received formal education and feel helpless when it comes to supporting their children with the rigorous demands of school work.

There are countless reasons why this format of learning is inequitable. I don't have the answers for how to disrupt the system of inequity yet, but I am certainly thinking about it, having conversations with others about it, reading as much as I can about it. This has become my focus of social activism if you will, and I hope to find ways to support given the many constraints that we have before us. For now, that just looks like giving a voice to those that are not being heard and trying my best to advocate on their behalf.

And as far as supporting my own personal spiritual growth, I am reminded of where my priorities lie. My mission field is my home. I was venting to my Mother-in-Law the other day about how unrealistic it feels to have the kids engage in so much academic work throughout the day. She reminded me that my kids are learning a lot. They are learning the most important life lessons. They're watching how Dustin and I are responding to world crisis and choosing to trust God in the midst of it. They're learning how to view things with an eternal perspective. They're learning how much of a priority they are to us.
With this in mind, I embrace my work of personal holiness in spending time reading my Bible each day, listening for what I believe God's calling me to do through his word, praying for his guidance and wisdom and then modeling all of these things as best as I can for my kids. I also fail... a lot, and in those cases I am modeling how to humbly ask for forgiveness and move forward.

It's hard not to think about God in times like this, right? These unfortunate circumstances that are out of our control gives us a healthy perspective of our finite existence. It forces us to pause and consider that maybe our day to day grind that feels so important isn't really all there is to life.
As all activity continues to slow and we are forced to just sit and be with those that we share life so intimately with... it's a perfect time to reflect on these thoughts.

Hasn't it been somewhat gratifying to see so many neighbors engaging in family walks and driveway play? Our Prime delivery came the other day with Christian music blasting from the truck and a few hours later a neighbor I had never seen before walked by with her dog listening to a familiar song from church, too. It reminds me that God is alive. He is active and at work. Even when times feel uncertain or even dark, there is So. Much. More.

Phew. That was a lot of thoughts for an early morning post.
Thanks for "listening."

Restoration

Hey friends! Welcome to the new decade. Are you embracing the start of the new year? 

One of the best perks about being a teacher and especially being married to one, is our much anticipated breaks. We are so lucky to have three weeks off during the holidays. As I write this we are closing in on this vacation time and I am just finally feeling like I've got my bearings again. So 2020, hey there. I am ready to welcome you with open arms. 

Before I recap our holidays, I thought I'd check in. Just me in this space (in which I have been journaling for over 11 years now... isn't that crazy? In fact, I just took a comical trip down memory lane to see what I was blogging about exactly a decade ago). Here we go...

Spiritual Wellness. 

I had been hiding a bit in recent weeks/months. I mean, not entirely. We're still attending church, of course. And each week I make it a point to listen to the sermons from my favorite pastor ever from Emmaus Church in the Sacramento area. So in that sense, I was still in it. But my heart was absent. I knowingly made more of a margin in my life for Christmas shopping, event attending, hosting planning, heck, even just scrolling mindlessly on my phone etc. than for intentionally growing in my faith. In fact, I was driving around last week running some errands and I thought, when was the last time I really talked to God?... more than a short, in the moment prayer. And my answer was... Hmmmm, I can't even remember. 

The new year came and went and I didn't experience that transformative desire for renewal. 

But it did come. It came at the start of this week. It came with a simple prayer: Lord, would you give me a desire to draw near to you again? And he answered as he always does, by stirring in me a deep motivation to come to him. 

It started here. In an old text chain with a dear friend and spiritual mentor of mine, I found this link that she had sent to me.  A 30 minute talk by Jen Wilkin entitled Train a Child in the Way He Should Speak. I listened to it while cooking dinner and definitely had a few "Amen!" moments. 

I have actually listened to this same talk about four times now and it wasn't until I sat down to listen to it again this morning with my journal and pen in hand that I realized how truly profound Jen's thoughts are on this topic. It reminded me of the huge responsibility that Dustin and I carry in raising the children that God has entrusted us with. Jen offers such practical and simple ideas from her experience raising her own four children. I just loved it and can't recommend it enough. 

And then, I listened to this sermon: "Jesus Withdrew to Draw Near" This new series will follow 7 practices of Jesus' life as mentioned in the gospels. The sermon discusses how Jesus himself never tells his followers to withdraw. It's not something that he commands or even explains. But several times within each book of the gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, we see Jesus consistently pulling away from the crowds, even away from his apostles to be alone. This is when and where he prays, seeking restoration after a big event, or seeking guidance for what stands before him. This is where he found relationship with God his Father. 

The sermon and this entire series challenges its listeners to simply do what Jesus did. So this also became the added reminder that in order to feel connected to God, I have to withdraw. Let me tell you, that's not an easy task for a full time working mom of three young kiddos. But every excuse aside, I will never feel restored or directed unless I make the time to connect with the true lover of my soul. Amen? 

Today, I went for a jog with my pup. I've been trying to also get back into moving my body again (a whole other post). As I was running, I attempted for the first time to listen to a sermon. About 10 minutes into the run, I pushed something on my phone and had to start the sermon all over again. Irritated, I just went back to my usual listen of late: Pandora -Florida Georgia Line station. For the last few weeks this has been my usual listen on my jogs and I have heard the same songs over and over again. And then today as I was running.... THIS a random worship song hidden amongst the FGL line up. I have never heard any worship music on this station before. And not just any song, but one that is so near and dear to my heart. It felt like God perfectly planted it in that moment. I even paused to take a picture of the moment I experienced it because it felt so profound.  

And speaking of worship music, have you heard this song yet? I heard it at church two weeks ago for the first time and the words immediately sent goosebumps up and down my arms. It is so beautiful! Like truly, so deeply moving. You've got to listen for yourself. And if you don't know the context for another in the fire, google "Daniel chapter 3." Specifically 3:25, "He said, 'Look! I see FOUR men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods." Goosebumps, every. single. time. 

So I didn't intend for this to be an entire post about my spiritual ramblings of late. But I guess this is a perfect place for me to start my year. A good reminder that no resolution striving to change the way I eat, or set of workouts that could increase my physical health, or any purchase that I could possibly make that would ever make me feel as restored as sitting at the feet of my heavenly Father. 

Wishing you the same this year. Maybe it's just the start of a simple prayer, like mine. God, show me who you are. God, put something in my life today that would bring me closer to you. And then sit back and watch how He responds. 

Blessings to you, friends. Here's to a new decade. 

xoxo

Eye Candy- Kitchen Edition

Mommin' is my life, and teaching is my career, but when I retreat to just me time, design is my happy place. I live for gorgeous aesthetics like these pictures below. In my rare moments of quiet time you will probably find me curled up with a hot cup of coffee perusing some of my favorite design blogs like here, here, or here.

And those who know me well, know that this kind of stuff speaks to my soul.  Design imagery fills the creative part of me that I rarely make time for. I feel most at peace when I am tidying up my house, lighting a good smelling candle, and then rearranging things around the house or dreaming up ideas for what I would love to do next. My cute as can be Dad actually found this shirt on Amazon and then sent it to me in Sacramento. True, so true. I always try to channel my inner Jo jo. 

So when summer begins I try to build in a bit more time for this little hobby of mine. One of the things I have been most intrigued with lately is kitchens. I find myself pinning pictures of kitchens all the time on Pinterest even though I have absolutely no plans of doing anything to our own. It's all just part of the pure satisfaction I get from looking at gorgeous design. 

This kitchen reveal was particularly inspiring. So many beautiful nooks with a neutral color palette and gorgeous fresh greens and flowers. I am crazy about the black paned windows and natural wood accents. It's all so good!

  link

And this post from Studio McGee that inspired me to think of all of the accessories that adorn a beautiful kitchen. Everything that Shea McGee and her team designs is pure gold in my eyes. Gold! 

link

So while I have no need to redesign anything in our own kitchen. It functions well and is the central hub of our small downstairs. I could definitely do some Marie Kondo magic on some of the drawers and cabinets...otherwise, my heart is very content in that space. But that's not to say that it couldn't use a bit of freshening up of some of the accessories that adorn the counters. 

I love so many of the affordable items from the Hearth and Hand by Magnolia line at Target. If I had money to burn I would add many of these things to my little red cart. But thanks to my sweet Momma who entered a little World Market contest during Teacher Appreciation Week and WON, I received a very unexpected gift card in the mail! How's that for lucky? Time to shop!

So here are a few of the items I picked up this week when they had their 20% off sale with free shipping. Thanks again Momma for the wonderful surprise!  

And one last thing I have been looking at lately is cookbooks. I pinned these to my wish list this week. I love how practical and useful cookbooks are but how pretty they are, too! 

 

So good, right? I can't wait to add these new things to the kitchen to freshen up the space a bit. I am also hoping to plant some fresh herbs this week too. I do it every summer and it's always short lived.  I can never get them to last. But it does add so much to the space while we're home using it every day over vacation. 

Cheers to a wonderful week doing more of what makes you, you!

xoxo

Where did I leave off?

Well hey, it's March. That came quickly but really, what doesn't these days? 

Let's kick this post off with some spring decor, shall we? How about a little wee wee cup as an added bonus to this display? Cracks me up the things that really make this place feel like home lately. Typical findings include Donovan's baseball everything scattered in various places around the house, cracker crumbs from Taylor in a very Hansel and Gretel-esque line leading you to her current place of play, and 500 drawings of Emmerson's pouring out of drawers counter tops, backpacks. You name it. It is all so very. very good. 

What is not good this week has been tantrums. Taylor is in a current state of either everything is awesome or everything is very, very not awesome. No in-betweens here. Her tantrums include throwing things across the room and yelling "NO" in addition to lots of tears that follow. I think it usually comes from being tired or hungry but it could also just be that she is now two. Last weekend she was melting down in the very worst way, total hysterics. Then I handed her a bowl of oatmeal. She took a huge bite, and with her soaking wet face of tears and snot looked up at me with a huge smile and said, "Tay Tay LOVE this!" I just never know with this one. 

The other shouldn't be cute but it really is too cute thing that she does is at the peak of frustration she'll raise a hand and try to hit. But then in that very same instant, she'll completely switch over to remorse and grab your face with so much tenderness and say, "Tay Tay thorry, mama..." She'll lean in and give you the most gentle kiss on the face as an apology. It takes everything in me not to laugh. 

In the more subtle, gentle Taylor moments I get this. 

And in the very truest and most real Taylor moments she sits on my bed watching tv and without taking her eyes off of Paw Patrol she utters a mumbled version of "sheeeeees." 

On to the bigs. Monkey had more birthday parties to go to last weekend. He was so glad his game got rained out so that he could attend Mitch's Harry Potter party. He came home with a spell book, wand, and HP tie to boot. 

 Grammie had given the bigs these little scrapbooks for Christmas and I ordered photo prints of all of our Disney trip pictures to go in them. Emmerson took it upon herself to write a caption for each and every picture. It is so cute! I know she will love looking back at this as she gets older. 

 This week we celebrated Read Across America Week at school with some spirit days. This was crazy hair day. 

I took this picture at our Spirit Rally at school on Friday.  The second graders got to perform a couple songs. I love this 8 year old version of Donovan. He is so confident in just being his silly self and it makes me happy. 

And this little chick-a-dee is so sweet and shy. It's such a joy getting to see them at school every day. I'm so thankful for that. 

The weekend came not a minute too soon and so did another storm. I spent Friday night staying up way too late to watch Saving Mr. Banks which had just come out on Netflix. I think I expected it to be totally different than it was. It was actually kind of dark and sad. It left me feeling desperate to hug my littles and show them how much I love them. So Saturday morning I woke up and instead of trying to carve out some quiet time for me to catch up on blogs or reading or anything really, I kept my phone far away from me and played and played with the kids all day long. We stayed in our jammies for most of the day. 

And even jumped in puddles outside. 

We watched movies and played restaurant. I took a day off from the typical house cleaning, laundry, meal planning, errand running... and it felt so good. We even declined a birthday invitation, which is really hard for me. But I was just craving this time at home and I have no regrets about it. 

At the end of the night, Emmerson read a whole stack of books to Taylor. I snuggled each kiddo into bed and gave them a smooch thanking them for our fun day together. Just what Momma needed. 

 So far this morning I have been back in business catching up on all I let go yesterday. We started off the drizzly morning with cinnamon rolls and art projects. 

Tonight my family is coming over for the usual Sunday family dinner. But I am so excited to make my Dad's favorite paella recipe. My sweet husband went to every grocery store in town yesterday making sure we had all the right ingredients. My parents are bringing over some homemade sangria and dessert! Can't wait. 

I thought, just for fun, I'd post some random bathroom selfies of what I wore this week. Last time I opted to post pictures like this on the blog, it was 2010 and I was very newly pregnant with Donovan. I looked back at these pics the other day and just seeing what I was wearing back then brought me right back to that moment in time. I used to use all of my left over spending money on Anthropologie sale room items and in the pre-pinterest days, attempt to throw it altogether in a way I thought was cute. 

I thought it'd be fun to jump back in again. And perhaps, it would give me a bit more motivation to get myself dressed in something different than the same ol' same ol' every day which is definitely where I've been during this cold and rainy month. So without further ado...

 crazy sock day

crazy hair day

Wednesday is always motivational message shirt day which is also an added excuse to wear jeans to work.

Thursday was pajama day but I just threw a big robe on over this. Now that I see this pic, I really don't like the shoes I wore with this outfit. Note to self. 

Friday was Disney Day. 

 And this is about as good as it gets on the weekend. Oma, I stole your slippers from the downstairs closet because I was too lazy to get my own from upstairs. :) 

I am anxious for more sunshine. I feel so blah lately and miss the feeling of sun-kissed skin and the sweetness of spring dresses. Although, the second it gets hot here, I know I'll wish for these rainy days again. 

And a few more random thoughts before I sign off: 

This song reminds me of summer goodness like no other. 

This is what I've been listening to on repeat that suits my current mood. 

Eyeing all things feminine and spring right now: 

This, this, and this for starters. 

Two nights in a row of Bachelor this week! I seriously Can. Not. Wait!!!! Cassie's been my favorite since night one so I am cheering her on all the way. And, you guys... if you're watching, the fence episode is finally tomorrow! What's going to send him running? I can hardly contain my excitement. I know, I know, the whole show is edited like crazy and there is so much lame-ness in all of it. But I just can't help myself. (Cue my mom rolling her eyes at me, here). 

My chronological Bible reading plan is still going great. If it weren't for the amazing Bible Recap and Tara Leigh Cobble's incredible insights, I'd be lost. But I am learning so much! Lately, as we've been reading Numbers, I keep reflecting on how much our obedience means to God. I feel so incredibly thankful that Jesus atoned for our sins because I sure as heck would not have survived as an Israelite in those early generations. So many rules, laws, and expectations for what God commanded in order to have relationship with His chosen people. It's really fascinating and makes me thankful that in this current day I feel so much more freedom to experience this life in a way that's pleasing to me with much more free will. But with that also comes the day to day grind of realizing that this whole little life I lead is not about me and that I truly need to hand the proverbial steering wheel over to Him each and every day to direct my course.  That, my friends, is where I fall short on the daily. 

This post brought me to tears. It's easy to assume that people who blog for business always have it together. Their pictures are flawless and it all looks so shiny and sparkly from the outside. But her raw emotions prove that it's not always sunshine and rainbows and even the most curated of internet spaces have real struggle and pain. 

This was a good read this week, too. I love how thoughtful and self-reflective Emily is. 

This quote: 

Over the past year, especially, as I’ve been pursuing answers about identity – who am I? who is God? what is my unique purpose in it all? – it has become really hard to talk about fluffy things on the blog. Sure, I like cute throw pillows and what J.Crew has on sale this week, but what I care about even more is finding freedom and peace and neither can be discovered in down-filled inserts or denim.

That totally resonates with me as I feel like I am constantly juggling all sorts of thoughts and my random catch up posts come out feeling sort of superficial.  I mean... I just went from Bachelor talk to Bible. But in the actual reality of my day to day this IS me. I am all of these things. And the older I get, the more okay I am with that. I hope you are, too! 

Happy new week, everyone! I hope you have a great one. 

xo

Sunday Thoughts

My baby turned TWO yesterday! Two! I don't know whether to cry or rejoice. I am sort of feeling a mixture of the two. It is so fun watching Taylor get older and be able to do more and more things independently. She's even been asking to use the potty lately! It's hard to believe that in the not too far away future I will have no more diapers in this household... for good! But with that comes the reality that there are no more babies to hold and snuggle with. No baby milestones to cheer on anymore. Waaaa! I feel like I am needing someone else to have a baby asap so that I can glean all of the sweet goodness without it actually being my own. 

Speaking of getting older... in a month and a half I will be turning 38. I just had to ask Dustin if I will be 38 or 39 on this birthday. A sign I am getting older. Also, I swear that yesterday after I put on my makeup I had this crazy, puffy spot under my right eye that was a set of wrinkles that I'd never had before. I kept obsessing about it all day. I promptly did what anyone with magically appearing overnight wrinkles would do... began to search out insanely overpriced facial regimens online. After talking myself down off the ledge I opted for some highly rated much cheaper eye creams from Target. I am so bad about taking care of my skin and I am thinking that I may be taking notice of these bad habits a little too late. Better late than never... maybe? Fingers crossed. 

While the midwest is dealing with sub zero windchill factors this weekend we, on the other hand, are feeling like spring. The weekend was filled with sunshine and temperatures in the high 70s. Southern California is known for not having seasons but there are still slight shifts that announce the change from season to season. This morning, opening the sliding door and hearing the birds chirping in the backyard, I could definitely sense that spring is near. It makes me want to pack away all of my sweaters and break out my dresses again. But our forecast is showing rain later in the week and I know we still have another few months of cooler temperatures ahead so I am trying my best to tone down my inner need to flip my closet upside down. 

It has not, however, kept me from eyeing some spring goodies online. I have sort of fallen out of love with Anthropologie the last few years. Mostly because the things I find there aren't really super practical for day to day. Enter my love for all things Madewell. But no one can do pretty, feminine, spring blouses like Anthro can. These were a few of my favs. 

one two three four

Random side story... last Monday two of my besties and I went to get our nails done and have lunch for a belated birthday celebration. While ordering our lunch I noticed I was standing next to one of my favorite bloggers and was wearing almost an identical outfit to the one she had on in her most recent post. #nerdalert Cue the fan girl response when I introduced myself. It's weird how average people on social media platforms feel like current day celebrities. What? Only me? 

Donovan had baseball evaluations this morning. Another sign that spring is around the corner. He was so excited to break out the baseball uni again. I can't wait to find out what team he'll be playing on this year. 

Emmerson has interrupted my typing 5,675,325  times so far. She is currently drawing pictures of every Paw Patrol character for her sister's birthday and needs to know all the most important things like which character I like the best? And then which one next? And then which one after that? And also if I know the eye color of every character and what they each have on their collar... You get the drift. 

Bible reading this week is going strong. We are nearing the end of Genesis in the next few days and then on to Exodus. 

Side note: (Sara, if you're reading... I don't have the journal. But I am kind of wishing I had started with that. Maybe I'll order it and re-do the same reading plan next year?) 

Some of my take-aways this week are honestly how messed up and sinful we are. It's amazing to me that God uses sinful humans to fulfill his promises. As our church always says, God uses crooked sticks to draw straight lines. I have seen this over and over again so far in the lineage of Abraham. 

Reading the Bible chronologically has helped me to really understand that lineage. In the past, I have heard the names and can't always quite pinpoint who was who. Abraham, Issac, Jacob, Joseph... but now that has become clear to me. 

Exercise plan has not been going so well this week. How can I keep myself motivated to get it done? Goodness knows I need it. Maybe the spring weather will help. 

I am off to begin baking some cupcakes. Since Dustin had a baseball game yesterday and I was volunteering in the nursery at church, we decided to postpone celebrating our girl until today. We are having a little family BBQ tonight with Paw Patrol decor, cupcakes and presents. Not too shabby for our two year old, although Emmerson just informed me that "Taylor's birthday isn't really that fun." 

Can you see my eyes rolling through the screen? 

If you're still reading, kudos to you. I hope you have a wonderful week!

xoxo

Weekend Ramblings

A friend of mine text me to see how our Disney hangovers are going. I thought that was the perfect way to describe it. We have been super lazy the last two days doing little more than laundry and tidying up the house. It's been steadily raining all day and it feels amazing to just snuggle up at home watching football and playing board games. 

 I didn't have any new pictures for this post so I just snapped a couple pictures of our current winter decor downstairs. January is a perfect excuse to bring in coastal pictures and colors. It's kind of a favorite of mine. Although soon, I think I'll be adding some Valentine's Day touches. I can't believe that's only a month away. Speaking of things that are coming quickly, our puppy, Molly will be 9 on the 25th, Taylor is turning two on the 26th, and Donovan will be eight on February 1st. Cue the tears! Dustin and I were just saying how crazy it is that we are getting this old. I graduated from high school 20 years ago!!! Holy cow, where has the time gone?

 In other news, ever since our Disney trip, Taylor has a new found bravery and will no longer stay in her crib. Yesterday at nap time she crawled out three times in a row and only fell asleep when I laid next to her and did my day's Bible reading aloud. Apparently the book of Job is the perfect thing to induce sleep. Last night at bedtime, she did the same thing and only opted to stay in her crib when we watched her over the video monitor and caught her in the act each time she started to climb. This morning she crawled out bright, and early and walked herself downstairs where she found Grammie and requested some Paw Patrol. So this afternoon, we surrendered to her new talent, and turned her crib into a toddler bed. We put the baby gate at the door and after a huge melt down she finally fell asleep in her "big girl bed" for nap. This unexpected transition is making me even more excited for moving the girls together in the same room. And Donovan has been all about the move, too. I am thinking that some of his birthday gifts next month may be items for his soon to be solo bedroom. 

Currently pinning pictures of bunk bends on Pinterest. I have never been a huge fan of bunk beds, but think it might be pretty practical for his little space. His room, Taylor's current nursery, is super tiny. So we're pretty limited in furniture set up. Let the brainstorming begin...

 Proud to report that Donovan and I have successfully worked on "muscle building" three times this week. And with the added days of Disney walking (holy, marathon) we are feeling pretty good about ourselves. America Ninja Warrior ready? Not quite. Each workout is so hard for me but I feel so much better committing myself to strength building again. We return to work on Monday so I am not sure how we'll squeeze it all in but I am really hoping that I will be motivated enough to prioritize it. 

 Bible reading continues to be rewarding for me. I really enjoyed reading this post by Emily Lex about the gospel reading that she completed recently. Our church is beginning a new series on the gospel of Mark and I am excited to pair that with the Old Testament reading that I am doing on the chronological plan. 

I can't sing enough praise to the Bible Recap Podcast produced by Tara-Leigh Cobble. She gleans so much more from each day's reading than I do initially. I love the way she highlights things that I missed. We have been in the book of Job all week this week and it's been a bit tedious for me. I am eager to see how the book of Job closes and then jump back into the book of Genesis. 

My take-aways this week have been that while every single thing has been stripped from Job, he never curses God or doubts his sovereignty. It amazes me how Job, even without a complete Bible or any idea of the future redemption we receive in Jesus, still seems to know and respect God so personally. And while his friends offer misconstrued ideas/advice to Job, they too, seem to have a strong understanding of who God is and what he asks of us. It makes me wonder, how in our current culture we have gotten so far from making God our everything. Myself included. It seems that the people of the Old Testament lived for God. How could I work to make God more of a priority in my life? 

On a completely opposite, superficial note, I was so excited that these popped back up in my shopping cart in my size! I had been watching them for so long and then the second they went on sale, they sold out. I'm hoping that they'll fit. I wear my one pair of light colored overalls that I own all the time. I was looking for a darker pair that I could dress up a bit. Also, hoping that these come a little longer than the pair that I have. Mine are more cropped style and these appear to be longer and more straight legged. Thank you for whoever returned these and for my husband's so unexpected Christmas gift card surprise for me. Woo hoo! 

Love this picture of the girls waiting in line at D land. I am so curious to see what their relationship is like as they get older. Everyone always talks about how the bond of sisters is so close. I hope it will be true for these little ladies. 

And I suppose that's all that I have on the mind this weekend. 

Looking forward to trying this healthier recipe tonight. 

And baking this not so healthy dessert for family dinner tomorrow. 

Happy weekend, everyone!

xo